A Graduation Message for My Son

M grad crop

This year we graduated our second son from our home school, Legacy Academy. These are the words I spoke about and over my son, but also about our home school journey, and how God changed our vision of family to his vision of our family. My son has given me permission to post these remarks publicly.

Thank you all for coming today to celebrate M and his high school graduation. We appreciate your friendship and that you would take your time to share this moment with us. Deb just did a great job sharing about M’s life and her love for him (read them here). I’d like to take a few minutes to pull back and share with you some of our family’s big picture from this father’s perspective—and to bless M as he continues his journey.

Our original vision

Early in our parenting we had a pretty typical vision for what we wanted to accomplish in our kids. And you can tell something of what our goals were by the books we read: Dr. James Dobson’s Dare to Discipline and The Strong-Willed Child. Even though we of course wanted our children to grow up to be responsible Christian adults, the main path I envisioned was through discipline, obedience, and self-control. And so discipline, obedience and self-control were what we focused on. Our three first children (of our eventual six) were the primary “beneficiaries” of those early years.

A new vision

As we lurched into homeschooling when our oldest two were starting school (another story for another time), the Lord started realigning our vision for parenting into His vision for parenting. Over time we came to see that His vision was not that we focus on right behaviors in the short-term but on the long term outcomes the Lord desired—Christ-loving adults who would pursue the Lord’s mission for their own lives and families.

This meant that our focus had to change by first re-orienting our own hearts, and then dealing with our kids’ hearts toward God, and modeling our parenting after God’s heart of grace toward us. The passages on how this played out in our family are familiar to many of us. Rather than emphasizing all of those great verses directed toward children (in which the emphasis is on obedience, listening to the wisdom of your mother and father, sparing the rod, and so forth) I began meditating on verses directed toward fathers and parents.

In this journey to being a God-centered father this verse about Abraham became my compass rose:

compass-152121_1280Genesis 18:19: For I have chosen him, so that he may command his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord by doing righteousness and justice, so that the Lord may bring upon Abraham what He has spoken about him.”

And I was challenged by this verse:

Ephesians 6:4: Fathers, do not provoke (exasperate) your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

As my brother will tell you, one of my natural gifts is exasperation, so this verse particularly challenged me.

And of course the passage that became the touchstone for our family, from Deuteronomy 6:

“Now this is the commandment, the statutes and the judgments which the Lord your God has commanded me to teach you, that you might do them in the land where you are going over to possess it, 2 so that you and your son and your grandson might fear the Lord your God,”

And here is where my emphasis as a father changed. I had to learn that the purpose of my obedience and keeping the Lord’s commandments is to influence the ways my children and grandchildren relate to God. The emphasis is not on getting them to fear and obey me, but to fear and obey the Lord their God. In specifically mentioning “your son and your grandson” Moses casts a multiple-generation vision of having a right spirit toward our heavenly Father, not merely extracting my childrens’ obedience and compliance toward their earthly father.

Moses continues,

5 You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. 6 These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart.”

The key to God-centered parenting was transforming my own heart so that my descendants would be blessed. Finally,

7 You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. 8 You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. 9 You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”

The spirit and structure and decor—the very DNA—of our home and family life was to be one of diligent teaching of the ways of the Lord. All day. Every day. Everywhere. Because the Christian life is not to be compartmentalized into the Jesus time and the other times, nor the Christian time of the week and the rest of the week. Rather, discipleship is supposed to take place in the normal everyday course of life, from rising to setting.

Making the handoff

HandoffOver the last two years we have been in a new season of our family—what Jeff Myers calls making the handoff. Although we’ve been preparing for years to transition M into full adulthood, now is the time to actually do it. While he’ll still be living here for the time being, and while we’ve been releasing him gradually over the years, this moment—his completion of our academic education—is a turning point.

It is the moment when our responsibility for his academics dramatically decreases and his dramatically increases. We’ve already seen in M, for his whole life really, a great deal of wisdom and discernment in decision making. He isn’t perfect of course, but we see in his character great strengths. We have been praying for years that the Lord would take M’s natural bent toward critical thinking and his quick wits for the Lord’s kingdom.

In our culture high school graduation is the moment when M makes his entrance into the so-called “real world,” whatever that means. This is supposed to be the moment when a person leaves the protective shell of a very structured educational environment and enters into the largely unstructured world of adulthood’s rights and responsibilities. Of course, we’ve worked hard for years at exposing M to the real world, and he has been operating in the real world in some ways already for some time now.

In the eyes of our culture this moment is a most significant point in a person’s “coming of age.” But M has long been on the path to this moment and, for the most part, we think he is prepared to handle it. So in the spirit of biblical tradition, we pass on to you the primary responsibility for your growth and decisions.

The Launching

M,

Having accepted Jesus Christ as your Savior and Lord, may you continue to grow in your relationship with Him;

Having studied the ways of the Lord, may you continue to grow in your fear of the Lord and your understanding of His ways and will for your life;

Having been trained in and having cultivated your own God-given work ethic and character, may you continue to diligently strive for success in the Lord’s eyes first, and in the eyes of men second, and may the Lord use you to grow His kingdom;

We pray that our 19 years of discipleship will ripple throughout your life in ways that bless you, your future wife and children, and the Kingdom of God; and we trust that the Lord will fill in the gaps of our own shortcomings and do in you the things we didn’t or couldn’t do;

As your father, having caught God’s vision for what a husband, father, and head of a household ought to be and do, I pass that vision on to you—that you would understand that God has chosen you “so that you may command your children and your household to keep the way of the Lord by doing righteousness and justice.” Though you don’t have your wife and children yet, the Lord knows his vision for you in this area, so cultivate your own heart and mind for the Lord for your descendants—our great-grandchildren. As Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 7:32, while you remain unmarried, be “concerned about the things of the Lord, how [you] may please the Lord;” that is, cultivate your relationship with the Lord (because when you get married, you’ll have a lot less time to do it!);

Finally, having finished this major accomplishment in your education, may you continue to pursue a life of continued education and love of learning;

Last, I bless you with the famous blessing from Moses to his brother Aaron, and which I have sung for years while tucking you kids in:

The Lord bless you, and keep you;

The Lord make His face shine on you,

And be gracious to you;

The Lord lift up His countenance on you,

And give you peace.’ (Numbers 6: 24-26)

I love you and am proud of you.

Parents Need to Keep Learning, too!

"teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise (Deut 6:7).

Deuteronomy 6:7

Over at christianmomthoughts.com Natasha Crain provides a great list of  65 questions that Christian parents should learn to answer. These questions cover the major topics of having and living out a Christian worldview. Parents–pay attention: most churches will not teach you these topics in Sunday School or in a Sunday morning sermon! And your kids’ public schools won’t teach them either!

These are big questions of life, and you probably have to learn it on your own. Fortunately, the internet provides access to many Christian websites that enable you to study these topics. (I’m working on a page compiling those links.) We also have more books than ever (hard copy and eBooks) that address these issues.

I guarantee you that the opposition has plenty of advocates and apologists out there pushing their perspectives–often through the public schools, colleges and universities, and the media. Are you prepared to un-indoctrinate your children?

Deuteronomy 6:7 instructs parents to talk about the things of God all day long…”You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.”

My Worldview and Apologetics Seminar is specifically designed to address some of these questions, and to point attendees to some of the best resources out there for getting equipped in these areas. You don’t have to be an expert in everything (the Lord knows I’m not!), but you ought to have a foundation for answering these questions.

Discipleship Quick Tip (5/15/2011)

Do a quick check with your family of the ways your family reflects the greatest commandment. Where can you improve?

“Hear, O Israel! The LORD is our God, the LORD is one! You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.” (Deut 6:4-5)

In the introduction to this passage (Deut 6:1-3), Moses instructs parents to carefully obey the commandments of the LORD in order to receive generations of blessings (see my earlier blog). And here are the first two parts of  the commandment: 1. Acknowledge the supremacy of Jehovah, and His right to your love and worship and obedience. 2. Love Him in a way that matters for your attitude and behavior.

Loving the Lord requires a heart transplant. The heart is your spiritual core; the source of your attitudes and behavior. Do your attitudes reflect a complete commitment to theses spiritual truths? Just as importantly, do your actions reflect a heart that has been redeemed by Christ? If you are being transformed, the things you say and do must change as you grow, because “the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart” (Matt 15:18) and “The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.” (Luke 6:45).

Sit down with your family and ask yourselves: Do our attitudes reflect love of the Lord? Do the words that proceed from our mouths reflect redeemed hearts? Do the things we do reflect hearts that love God, or hearts that love ourselves?

If you have found areas of your heart, words, attitudes, and actions that don’t reflect the love of the Lord, pray for Him to guide you to make the changes He wants you to make. Then act on them!

Discipleship 101: God’s Commands and Promises

For I have chosen [Abraham], so that he may command his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing righteousness and justice. Genesis 18:19
Hear, my son, your father’s instruction / And do not forsake your mother’s teaching. Proverbs 1:8
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4

The Bible repeatedly tells us in both the Old and New Testament that the family household is the primary location for discipling our children. 

What is discipleship?
By discipleship, the Bible refers to the process of making disciples, which is related to the word discipline. In New Testament times, adisciple was a learner or scholar, who adhered to the teachings of their master. In this case, discipline doesn’t refer merely to punishment, but to training.
The biblical principle that discipleship is a parent’s responsibility – especially fathers – is very clear in both the Old and New Testaments.

Deuteronomy 6 is a core text instructing parents on the purpose and process of training children in the Lord.

Background
Moses has been told that he will not be entering the Promised Land (Num 20:7), and God commands him to remind the Israelites about God’s deliverance and promises (covenants) to them, and to give instructions for life. In the big picture, this passage gives a command, its purpose, and some specific and practical instructions to fathers especially, and all parents and grandparents by implication, about training children in the Lord’s ways. In future posts, I will write about those practical instructions, but for now I am going to look at the big picture of this teaching from Moses preparing the first generation of Israel to occupy the Promised Land.

1“Now this is the commandment, the statutes and the judgments which the LORD your God has commanded me to teach you, that you might do them in the land where you are going over to possess it, 2so that you and your son and your grandson might fear the LORD your God, to keep all His statutes and His commandments which I command you, all the days of your life, and that your days may be prolonged. 3“O Israel, you should listen and be careful to do it, that it may be well with you and that you may multiply greatly, just as the LORD, the God of your fathers, has promised you, in a land flowing with milk and honey. (NASB)

What is the nature, purpose, and instruction of this teaching? [vv.1-3]
1.It is a commandment.
This is the commandment of the LORD [v.1]. That means this whole passage is a single command with lots of application. That it is a command means it isn’t optional for the faithful parent. As with all of the Lord’s commands, we ignore them at our own peril; that we can be forgiven for our failures (thanks to Christ’s substitutionary death for us) does not mean we will avoid the consequences of our sins.

2.What is the command and its purpose?
To see God’s intended purposes for giving the command, we look at the clues in the text; in this instance, we see the word “that” repeated several times. This is a point of clarity for us.

  • v. 1 “that you might do them”
  • v. 2 “so that you and your son and your grandson might fear the LORD your God
  • that your days may be prolonged”
  • v. 3 “that is may be well with you and that you may multiply greatly”

In the style of ancient covenants, expected behaviors are followed by promises for complying with the terms of the covenant. The expected behavior is to “do them” (ie, follow the statutes and commandments of the Lord) and “fear the LORD” (ie, reverence Him for His holiness and just nature).
The instruction is to do “the commandments, statutes, and judgments” passed on from God through Moses; to “keep all His statutes and His commandments…all the days of your life;” and “be careful to do it.” Thus, the instruction is clearly stated: it communicates clearly the LORD’s expectations for behavior, so that the covenant’s promises can be kept.
Three promises are made, contingent upon the Israelites’ obedience: (1) their “days would be prolonged;” (2) “it may be well with you;” and (3) “you may multiple greatly.” The connection between the Israelites compliance and their reward is unmistakable, as are the implied consequences of disobeying the commands and statutes: their days would not be prolonged, it would not be well with them, and they will not multiply greatly.

3.The instruction is multigenerational.
Verse 2 states that the expectation for obedience is not about the present generation, but is for the next two generations (“you and your son and your grandson”). This is an important point about discipling your children in the Lord—there are multi-generational consequences. Think about it this way. When you disciple your own children, you are training your grandchildren’s parents; if that’s hard to grasp, the passage also reveals this: You are training your great-grandchildren’s grandparents (“your grandson”).

Application to us
The commandments of the Lord are hard to ignore, wherever they occur in scripture, so let’s apply them to where we are today.
First, the expected behavior is the same today as it was then. We are given instructions, commands and statutes, and we’re supposed to conform our lives to them. A helpful way of thinking about the law as Christians rather than ancient Israelites is to remember that we are redeemed for a purpose—we are created in Christ Jesus to do good works (Eph 2:10); because he has delivered and redeemed us, our grateful response is striving to live lives pleasing to him in the imitation of Christ. We don’t earn our salvation this way; rather, we make changes to our lives out of love and gratitude.
Second, the promises still hold. We are promised blessings when our behaviors match the Lord’s expectations. Does this mean we will live a long time in The Holy Land? Of course not, but our lives will be prolonged, and we and our descendants will be better off, by and large, by conforming our lives to the instructions and commands of God.
Third, in the US we have a hard time grasping the passage’s multigenerational concept because we are, frankly, pretty self-centered. We think primarily about our own comfort and convenience and temporary happiness, rather than thinking through the consequences of our actions for future generations. But God promises that following His commands will prolong your (and your descendants’) lives, and you will live well. There is no guarantee of what future generations will do, of course, and each generation in Israel had to choose whether to obey the commands.

So it is with us—we make choices that have consequences, even though there is God’s promise, but each generation has to make its own choices, and each can break the cycle of promise. BUT, each generation can choose to re-start the cycle of promise as blessing as well. We also can’t simply blame our parents for their bad choices and their effects on us, we have to choose to claim the promises for our and our children’s and our grandchildren’s generations; how do we claim the promises? By living lives in conformity to God’s principles, rather than the flawed and deceptive philosophies of this world (Col 2:8; Rom 12:2). Choosing to disciple our children biblically is one place to start.